To dye, or not to dye; that is the question

Guest Blogger - Steve Penner from The Truth About Dating

“Should I dye my hair? I’m only 36…” Single women, plucking gray hairs from their heads before the mirror, battle this decision daily. For men, premature gray hairs are respectfully called “distinguished” or “salt and pepper.” For women, those wiry roots are unfairly viewed by many as old and unattractive.

At the dating service I ran for 23 years I interviewed many women who initially refused to dye their hair. “If men don’t like who I really am, if they’re that shallow, then I don’t want to meet them,” they would state with crossed arms and a “harrumph.”

Not that I would come right out at their initial interview and tell them they should dye their hair. No, expecting such a reaction, I was usually too fearful to tell them the “truth.”

What I would do is say nothing, and we would just begin matching the women. And many men would refuse to meet them right around the “blue eyes and gray hair” part of the women’s description. The men might just state they preferred meeting a blonde. Or they might claim that she was too short, rather than admit their prejudice against gray hair. Or they might just be blunt and say, “I won’t date a woman with gray hair. That’s like meeting my Grandmother.”

There were times when men would agree to an initial date, but rarely a second one. These women then went back to their dating counselors angry and confused. “We had a great time, and I thought he liked me…what’s wrong?”

Then, and only then, the female counselor might suggest that “perhaps you could darken your hair a bit.” Sometimes the counselor would add a polite, non-threatening admission, “You know, I have been doing it for years!” (If any of my former counselors are reading this I apologize for the revelation.)

Some women would defiantly leave the dating service in a puff of delusion insisting that people, good people, “shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”

With other women, though, reality eventually would sink in, and they would break down and hit the peroxide. Some would really go for it with highlights and lowlights and whatever other razzle-dazzle is possible. They might not even tell us they had it done.

A few stopped by our office to subtly let us know that the change had occurred with no comments made at all. This was a personal boundary not to cross. After all, only their hairdressers would know for sure.

For these women the dating opportunities would immediately increase, as would the reaction they received from their dates. They now passed the guys’ initial “looks test.” They got to move on to stage two, which would entail further dates and conversation about career, family, hobbies, whatever. Is this fair? No. Is this just? No. Is this the way it is? You bet!

Some readers might be thinking, “well, my husband loves me with my gray hair and wrinkles,” or “my boyfriend thinks my gray hairs are cute!” You are using critical words, i.e. “husband” and “boyfriend.” That makes all the difference in the world. After losing 20 pounds before the wedding to fit into a Barbie doll wedding gown, how many women then gain that weight back and then another 20 to boot after the wedding? Security brings freedom, be that good or bad or gray or fat.

(Obviously the same holds for married men who pack on the poundage or lose their hair as the years roll by.)

I’m sorry to say that the gray-hair stigma spans all types of men. Yes, even the most liberal, professorial man, who walked in carrying a copy of “Ms. Magazine” under his arm, would hesitate when hearing that a woman had gray hair.

The only difference between him and the conservative salesman is that the liberal professor from Harvard would sheepishly and almost apologetically say he was “sorry” when he would reject a woman without even meeting her. The latter would sarcastically chuckle and blare there was “no way” he would meet a gray-haired woman.

I must admit that back when I was single I met a woman with prematurely silver hair and Audrey Hepburn chiseled features to go along with a beautiful slender figure. I also found her very witty and a lot of fun. We went on one date, and afterward I debated whether I should see her again, solely because of her silver hair. I finally decided that I would be crazy not to, and I called her and asked if she wanted to go out the following weekend.

Alas, she politely told me she was busy. I think it was because I was bald. Touche.


Steve Penner was the owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of single men and women from all over New England. “The Truth About Dating” reflects insights and observations based upon his experience. He welcomes feedback and comments at pennerst@hotmail.com or at the web site www.thetruthaboutdating.com.

Gloria Steinem, My Daughters and Me

by Nancy Mills

My older daughter Carrie spent two years working for the MS Foundation for Women in New York, organizing their public outreach for Take Our Daughters to Work Day. During that time, she met the woman who helped to start it all, the co-founder of MS Magazine and the MS Foundation, Gloria Steinem. Carrie was inspired by this woman who embodied intelligent dedication to the cause of women's rights and New York sophistication - a great role model for a young career woman in the big city.

Now, a few years later, my younger daughter, Lauren, has also been touched by Gloria Steinem. Lauren is studying public policy and social work at Columbia University. She's working as an intern for a non-profit dedicated to preventing rape and sexual assault. She also volunteers for another group working against human trafficking.

It was in this last context that she met Gloria Steinem this week. Gloria attended an event against trafficking with about 20 other women, lending her name and her time to the cause. Listening to Lauren describe meeting this beautiful and committed feminist, I was brought back to my own days as a twenty-something working for a women's rights newspaper in Connecticut.

It was the 70's and I was editing a statewide paper called Alert which published the votes of legislators on issues important to women, like equal pay, child care and the Equal Rights Amendment. We were going to have a fundraiser and Gloria Steinem, a friend of our founder Sheila Tobias, had agreed to come to speak. My job was to drive to Manhattan, go to the offices of MS Magazine and give Gloria a ride to Westport. What an opportunity for an aspiring journalist and feminist! It was exciting but I was also a bit intimidated.

But as it turned out, Gloria Steinem was easy to talk to and was actually somewhat shy. She asked me for "protection" from the crowds of women who would want to talk to her one-on-one. She was generous with her time, gave a great speech and shook many hands. But she was human. She really didn't like crowds!

So now Gloria has touched all of our lives, both of my daughters' and mine. It's one of those unplanned happenings in life that seem so right. My daughers and the daughters of countless other Boomers will build on the legacy that Gloria Steinem represents.

Today, Gloria Steinem leads an active, creative and "free to be me" life after 60 (she's actually in her 70's now!). I like this quote from a Washington Post story that I found online, where Gloria describes what it's like to give up playing all the roles that society demands of women:

"Well, what happens is that when you get to be 60, and the role is over, you go back to that clear-eyed, shit-free, I-know-what-I-want, I-know-what-I-think, 9- or 10-year-old girl. Only now--you have your own apartment."