The stories of personal transformation that we are sharing with you each week have been written by members of our Boomers TV community. They are generously sharing their journey with us to offer hope and inspiration.
by Joe Sturniolo
Searching for answersWhy wasn’t I happy? I had more than lived up to everyone’s expectations, including my own, I was sticking with my marriage, doing my best to be a good father (and son) - doing what my family, friends, employees, colleagues, religion, culture had all instilled in me. I was brought up to stick to my commitments, and I was.
Searching for answers to my malaise, I began to read self-help books to the nth degree. I embraced bits and pieces of what I gleaned from these books, tried (mostly in vain) to inculcate them into my life. Still, I always came up short.
Then I took two steps that helped me discover just where the thrill had gone – and how to reclaim it. Both steps involved seeking mentors.
First, I enlisted the counsel of a mentor renowned for helping already-successful but weary entrepreneurs not just to “go to the next level,” but “get a life” in doing so. He convinced me that I needed to spend less time on my job – not more. And he encouraged me to discover what it was I loved about my job and do more of it, delegating the rest, even if it meant adding staff and other overhead.
More important, he inspired me to engage in what he calls the “dream-building process,” a way to discover or rediscover my own unique passions and dreams.
I became very excited about this process and began to see its relevance to my business life.
For one thing, it opened my eyes to what I was seeing in my financial planning consultations. Our discussions usually focused on planning for retirement and selling or transitioning their businesses. For some, it was clear they were bored with their businesses; financially, they were well-equipped to retire, yet they were reluctant to enter the world of daily golf outings and pinochle parties. Like me, they yearned to do something in the next phase of their lives that employed their experience and skills, and which provided a measure of significance, of helping others.
I was not aloneIt was then that it dawned on me that I was not alone in my ennui. Like many of my clients, I didn’t want to retire; neither was I keen on the status quo of merely building my retirement portfolio. So I began conducting some structured workshops for some of my clients called “Cry of the Heart.” The workshops were aimed at getting my clients to start thinking about financially secure retirement as the means, not the end – as a way to begin living life more fully.
As I conducted these sessions, with some measure of success, it allowed me to develop an even deeper and more rewarding relationship with my clients, and my life began to take on a dimension of meaning that had eluded me. I was so excited about the potential for these workshops that I hatched a plan to integrate the workshops into my business model and gradually phase out of the financial planning business into a fulltime career of helping others discover and pursue their passions.
This notion did not sit well with my wife. The concept of ultimately chucking the financial engine that afforded our comfortable lifestyle did not fit her expectations. She did her best to dissuade me. She thought I was crazy.
And, in a way, I was going crazy; I was living two lives. At work, I had a renewed sense of enthusiasm and purpose. At home, life was miserable.
So that led me to a connection with a second mentor, a psychiatrist who serves Christians suffering from conflicts of faith. His practice focuses on life transitions and fuses typical counseling methods with a commitment to Christian teachings. Because of my own concerns about divorce and commitment to my religion, he was well-equipped to help me.
He put it to me this way: “You have a choice between emotional suicide or divorce. Christianity doesn’t condone suicide, nor does it condone divorce. But which one do you think God would have you pursue? Using the talents you have been given to help others, or your current course?”
Departure and tests of my commitment
That was the turning point for me. I began the divorce proceedings. It also was the point at which a number of family and friends turned on me. I was no longer living up to their expectations. That, combined with all the emotional burdens that come with divorce, made that process the most difficult thing I have ever done.
Now I had no excuse. I plunged into the development of the workshops with my whole heart. All did not go well at first; I made some huge, costly missteps. It was a true ordeal. I was deeply discouraged, anxious and depressed. I was wondering if my wife had been right. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe this was a calling I should have refused.
Enlisting mentorsFinally I decided to retain my psychiatrist and another psychiatrist specializing in transitional issues, to help me shore up the intellectual and psychological underpinnings of my workshops to make them more effective. I renamed the workshops and put them under a new organizational umbrella called ROAR. Now I offer weekend three-day “ROAR-ins” to clients and non-clients alike.
Reaping the rewardsBest of all, thanks to the urging of my mentors and other allies, I have incorporated my passion for the theater and the performing arts into the workshops. The workshops involve rewriting the participants’ life-scripts, setting them into three acts that follow well established methods for storytelling. I even perform a bit: I read poetry and dialogue from plays that illuminate the dream-building process, and I share film clips that demonstrate points I want to hit home. And we even mount a short, improvisational play at the culmination of each weekend.
My transformation continues. Once it begins, I believe it never stops. Though I have no immediate plans to leave my financial counseling business behind, at some point, I am confident my workshops will grow into my fulltime occupation.
As for retirement, that is out of the question. Once you find your authentic self, and the significance that comes from helping others, it’s like you have discovered a magical elixir. Life feels great. Why would I ever want to retire?
My favorite soliloquy from Macbeth is this: “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.” Where I am now on life’s stage, I feel as though I have more reason for strutting, and less for fretting, than I have ever had. I am making the most I can of the few precious minutes that remain in that hour.
