Gail Sheehy's Caregiving Passage

Gail Sheehy published Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life in 1976 and it stayed on the New York Times Best Seller list for three years. That book and Gail's more recent work have helped Americans of all ages realize that they are not alone as they go through life's challenging and often painful transitions.

Now Gail has turned her attention to a new passage - family caregiving in later life. Gail has been on her own journey of caregiving her husband, noted editor Clay Felker, founder of New York Magazine.

"Our lives were turned upside down in our 50's and 60's," said Sheehy at the Aging in America conference in Washington, D.C. this week. "Clay suffered four life-threatening cancer assaults over 12 years. We found ourselves on a roller coaster ride with no beginning, middle or end."

Gail became a full-time care partner with her husband but quickly learned that if she did nothing but care for him, she would burn out. She realized that she was running a marathon, not just a sprint around the block. On this long, long road race, you need to take time for yourself.

"As a caregiver, you really need to get help. If you can afford it, hire a care manager. It's also not a good idea to leave your job for years at this life stage, as you could find yourself with no financial security," said Sheehy.

Still, Sheehy spent hours and hours as an advocate for her husband, bringing her tape recorder to meetings with doctors and taking notes about treatments they were facing. When her husband needed radical surgery, Sheehy was forced to confront her own age bias. The surgeon was 81 years old. When the doctor realized that Sheehy and her husband were nervous about his age, he held out his hands for a long time to show them how steady they were.

"He asked one thing from us - that we would tell him just before the operation that we knew he would do a good job," said Sheehy. "By showing both confidence and humility, he helped us get through it."

Gail and her husband included mind/body techniques on their cancer journey. They learned self-hypnosis and studied bio-feedback. A yoga teacher taught them to do deep, meditative breathing together, in rhythm, with their bodies touching.

"That was a transformative experience for us," said Sheehy. "We became connected as a couple on a much deeper level. We moved to a 'new normal.'"

Two years after his first bout with cancer, Felker was diagnosed with lymphoma and was told there was no treatment. The doctor suggested he "go out and live your life by taking a risk. Do something you might not have done if you hadn't gotten sick."

So Sheehy and her husband gave up their life in the publishing world in New York City and moved to California, where Felker taught at UC Berkeley's Graduate School of Journalism. The couple lived in faculty housing and their new life together worked its magic.

"We were young and in love all over again," said Sheehy.

Years later, Felker suffered a recurrance of his old cancer and had surgery that left him unable to eat without a feeding tube. Still, that didn't stop Sheehy from travelling to Paris with him, packing a blender so that they could still share the French food that they loved.

"I went into a lovely restaurant near our hotel a few hours before dinnertime," said Sheehy. "I explained our situation to the chef and asked if he would mind blenderizing the food so that my husband could enjoy it. He was touched and didn't hesitate to help. That evening, we sat at a lovely table and the staff set up a screen to give us some privacy. Clay's food arrived in silver pitchers. After that, I became fearless about eating out together. No chef has ever refused to help us."

Sheehy's own story and those of other caregivers - as well as the larger story of America's caregiving crisis - will be told in Gail's upcoming book. The Caring Passage will be out in 2009.