To dye, or not to dye; that is the question

Guest Blogger - Steve Penner from The Truth About Dating

“Should I dye my hair? I’m only 36…” Single women, plucking gray hairs from their heads before the mirror, battle this decision daily. For men, premature gray hairs are respectfully called “distinguished” or “salt and pepper.” For women, those wiry roots are unfairly viewed by many as old and unattractive.

At the dating service I ran for 23 years I interviewed many women who initially refused to dye their hair. “If men don’t like who I really am, if they’re that shallow, then I don’t want to meet them,” they would state with crossed arms and a “harrumph.”

Not that I would come right out at their initial interview and tell them they should dye their hair. No, expecting such a reaction, I was usually too fearful to tell them the “truth.”

What I would do is say nothing, and we would just begin matching the women. And many men would refuse to meet them right around the “blue eyes and gray hair” part of the women’s description. The men might just state they preferred meeting a blonde. Or they might claim that she was too short, rather than admit their prejudice against gray hair. Or they might just be blunt and say, “I won’t date a woman with gray hair. That’s like meeting my Grandmother.”

There were times when men would agree to an initial date, but rarely a second one. These women then went back to their dating counselors angry and confused. “We had a great time, and I thought he liked me…what’s wrong?”

Then, and only then, the female counselor might suggest that “perhaps you could darken your hair a bit.” Sometimes the counselor would add a polite, non-threatening admission, “You know, I have been doing it for years!” (If any of my former counselors are reading this I apologize for the revelation.)

Some women would defiantly leave the dating service in a puff of delusion insisting that people, good people, “shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”

With other women, though, reality eventually would sink in, and they would break down and hit the peroxide. Some would really go for it with highlights and lowlights and whatever other razzle-dazzle is possible. They might not even tell us they had it done.

A few stopped by our office to subtly let us know that the change had occurred with no comments made at all. This was a personal boundary not to cross. After all, only their hairdressers would know for sure.

For these women the dating opportunities would immediately increase, as would the reaction they received from their dates. They now passed the guys’ initial “looks test.” They got to move on to stage two, which would entail further dates and conversation about career, family, hobbies, whatever. Is this fair? No. Is this just? No. Is this the way it is? You bet!

Some readers might be thinking, “well, my husband loves me with my gray hair and wrinkles,” or “my boyfriend thinks my gray hairs are cute!” You are using critical words, i.e. “husband” and “boyfriend.” That makes all the difference in the world. After losing 20 pounds before the wedding to fit into a Barbie doll wedding gown, how many women then gain that weight back and then another 20 to boot after the wedding? Security brings freedom, be that good or bad or gray or fat.

(Obviously the same holds for married men who pack on the poundage or lose their hair as the years roll by.)

I’m sorry to say that the gray-hair stigma spans all types of men. Yes, even the most liberal, professorial man, who walked in carrying a copy of “Ms. Magazine” under his arm, would hesitate when hearing that a woman had gray hair.

The only difference between him and the conservative salesman is that the liberal professor from Harvard would sheepishly and almost apologetically say he was “sorry” when he would reject a woman without even meeting her. The latter would sarcastically chuckle and blare there was “no way” he would meet a gray-haired woman.

I must admit that back when I was single I met a woman with prematurely silver hair and Audrey Hepburn chiseled features to go along with a beautiful slender figure. I also found her very witty and a lot of fun. We went on one date, and afterward I debated whether I should see her again, solely because of her silver hair. I finally decided that I would be crazy not to, and I called her and asked if she wanted to go out the following weekend.

Alas, she politely told me she was busy. I think it was because I was bald. Touche.


Steve Penner was the owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of single men and women from all over New England. “The Truth About Dating” reflects insights and observations based upon his experience. He welcomes feedback and comments at pennerst@hotmail.com or at the web site www.thetruthaboutdating.com.